Are You in Love?

PART 1

This could have been an honest question. But it is more than that. It is the projection of one of my insecurities, one that begins to lose its weight the moment I decide to expose it like this.

We are all out here, moving through life, doing everything and anything. But in the end, what we really want, as I have said more than once, is simple. To sleep well when the day is over. And if possible, to have the right person next to us.

That possibility, for the eternal romantics or the so called eternal failures, is something we chase endlessly.

So tell me, are you in love? Does the person you are interested in truly make you feel different? Can you actually picture tomorrow with them? Or are you simply investing too much energy into someone who, in reality, is nothing more than a fleeting fascination?

These are the kinds of questions I would ask to make sense of everything. But the truth is, the important ones already come with answers.

When in doubt, we should be anything but stupid. I mean this seriously. The right thing to do is to look at what is in front of us, and at the reality that keeps bothering us.

If there are no words, let actions speak. They usually say much more.
If there is no attention to detail, and we notice it, then there is no real care.
If bodies do not meet or fail to complement each other when nature calls for it, walk away.

This is how my mind works. And maybe that is exactly why I never go beyond writing. Success belongs to something else entirely.

What if I answer the title myself?

What does it even mean to live in a generation where fighting for someone, or trying to do something meaningful for the person you like, is no longer admired, and often barely valued?

I do not know. But I came across something that made me feel lighter about liking someone as much as I do right now. Those who love never lose.

And honestly, I think I am still far from that. It is a feeling too strong, too beautiful, to reduce it to something ordinary in one of my texts. Still, I would like to give her my love.

Her eyes tell me more than words ever could, and I am okay with that. Intimacy between two people might be the simplest concept in the world, and at the same time, the hardest to explain. Two people can have sex and have no intimacy. And two people can be deeply intimate without ever having sex.

A lot of relationships begin without intimacy ever being there. Only the physical side grows. To me, intimacy is part of that invisible equation that makes you look at someone and think, out of everything, it is with you that I want to live my best moments.

I have never felt like this before. I like having control over things. I like knowing I can walk away when I need to, when circumstances demand it, or when life simply has other plans.

With her, it has not been like that. I miss her scent when she is not around. I miss those simple, almost dull outings that at first felt amusing only because they were so unoriginal, and now somehow feel better every time.

There is something strange in feeling that on her side, there are days when it is there, and days when it is not. Because on my side, when it comes to feelings, I am not built like that.

No, I am not in love. But just knowing that I would not refuse meeting the right person tomorrow makes me think, every single day, about the small chance that she might already be in my life. And if she is, then let it be her.

Beyond the physical attraction, my interest in who she is was something I tried to downplay as much as possible. But her natural way of being made that impossible.

I am at a point where I am either completely wrong or completely right. Or maybe neither. Do you know what it is like to look at someone, see all the flaws life has placed on them, the daily battles they fight, the ones you sometimes judge because they could end them if they wanted to, and still admire that person every single day?

That is what I feel. A growing admiration. Especially knowing she has always been close, yet somehow distant.

And then there is the irony of me writing this lying down, remembering a song I once showed her, “Sua Estupidez”. It makes me think I cannot possibly be lost over someone I jokingly call stupid, even if it comes from a place of affection.

Of course I am joking.

That dedication exists exactly because she is like that. Because if she were smart for even a second, I would be writing this while looking at her somewhere right now. The song says there is no space left in the world for people who do not think twice before acting. It also says she will end up alone because of that same blindness, for not seeing what is obvious.

If even half the people who crossed her path saw half of what I have seen, the way I have seen it, with the light in her eyes that I have seen, she would not be like this.

But I see her stripped of everything, every time I look at her. Not physically, but in a way that is intimate and careful. I see her exactly as she is. A ticking time bomb. Something that can feel dangerous at first, but after a while, it is worth learning how to handle.

And today, it is not love that I feel. But I would go as far as earning a master’s degree for you.

Am I on the road to that place? Time will tell.

But when night falls, I miss her. I do.

The biggest thing she has taught me is that the world is far too big to be worried about small things. Or as she says, little things. She is right. I just will not admit that to her face.

If I love anything, it is the feeling of being alive. And she gives me that. In her own way. Not a normal way, but the best way.

My dear, believe me. Your foolishness keeps you from seeing how special you really are. Just try being wise for once. Do you know how many people end up alone simply because they refuse to think?

Anyway, I guess this turned into something personal. It had to. She will probably read this.

At the end of the day, she is my imperfect perfection.

The best,

And this was my best as well, for last.

PART 2

The secret behind the emotional connections we build with people lies in honesty. Being honest with ourselves, and above all, with those we value the most. This whole “In Love” wave is interesting for that reason. In the same way that, recently, I looked at this person and saw more than I should have seen, the natural course of things revealed that she did not deserve my affection.

Imagine two people deciding to go on a seven-day trip together, with no commitment at all, just a shared intention to make things work. And they do, to some extent. But during that same trip, one of them chooses, willingly, to get to know someone else. Well, if at the beginning we spoke about the absence of commitment, that idea exists mostly to remind us there is no defined relationship. Still, if something is being built, then something is being built. So what is the meaning of watching someone invest time and smiles in us, while we do the same with others at the same time?

There was guilt on my side for not walking away from her sooner. But I also feel that if I had done it back then, I would’ve been no different from all the people who gave up on her long ago. I don’t know… there’s something about wanting to give everything to someone, not because we see perfection, but because we see warmth and light in eyes that have already cried too much. I wanted to listen to her, to understand more of her story. I never intended to dive into madness, especially because I don’t feel ready to jump in headfirst. But my intentions with her were real.

Part of me wanted to ask her something deeper, something like: do you think I should fight for you?

But I know that after everything I felt, and after realizing what I did, she is not worth it.

The emotional intelligence I’ve called upon through thousands of written and typed words over the years walks side by side with the need to value ourselves. And if we don’t value ourselves, no one will. I tried to be different, of course… and the outcome was exactly the same. You don’t make someone love you by loving them more. Feelings are natural. And that natural flow fed the part of me that writes with this kind of honesty.

Her gaze tells me far more than the empty messages I’ve read, and the short words that sometimes leave her mouth.

The feeling of wanting to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped is bittersweet. But in the end, your conscience remains at peace.

Today, I am certain that if we shape our reality through our actions, the slightest chance of me ever feeling something for her again would only come from regret on her side.

Because within me, something has died.

It’s unfortunate that the foolishness I spoke about in Part 1 became the killer in Part 2. Not in a selfish way, but I feel that she will fall into the same holes again, and no one will be there to hold her. That hurts, because I was captivated by who she truly is, not by the superficial way she lives, or how people perceive her, never taking her seriously. Because people don’t take her seriously, and I fought against that.

Being a man is knowing how to lose. And I lost.

Love, and being in love, might be the most understandable non-exact science… and the hardest to explain.

This is where I close the articles about the people I cross paths with.

I hope you’ve taken something from this. I hope it meant something.

Take care of yourselves. And above all, love yourselves. Choose the people who want to see you on a Sunday afternoon, not just on a Friday night.