Before You Go

Before you go is the best way I have found to tell you, in a different way, everything you have already heard. Let’s go back a little, but not too far. Maybe two weeks ago, when we were all together at that fateful graduation ceremony. That day, for the first time, you were with me and with the people closest to me, through a lens of life.

Everything went well. If I ever doubted you would show up, you erased those doubts. How did we get to this point in our relationship, where the most defining moments, or at least this one, became something we share? Ironically, I think it was always clear between us that the goal was to live day by day, without big projections of the future, something almost sacred to you. There are moments when it is obvious that we know exactly what we are doing, and others that feel so natural they raise a thousand questions in my head. But this article is not about that.

It is a kind of thank you for making me feel free, capable of liking, caring, and above all, remembering that when relationships are good, they are anything but superficial. I fed myself on the fact that you are everything I never looked for, or thought I looked for, and still you became a constant daily surprise. Something that seduced me early on.

Throughout this year, several episodes happened, signs from life, warning me about the affection I could develop for someone who, in those moments, seemed like the wrong person. That is where growth lives. Understanding the sad irony of us being in similar phases through my eyes, but very different ones through yours. Situations that marked us negatively in the past, but that shaped much of the personal and emotional development we ended up having. I had the privilege, or maybe I earned it, of your trust in many moments. You opened up and explained, almost entirely, the why behind everything.

If it was a mess you never asked me to help you escape from, yes, it was. But I stayed. As a friend, that is the minimum. And also because I believed I could be an active voice whenever you needed one.

A friendship with a few extras that were always clear, but never made us superficial or anything close to it, something I am genuinely proud of. It was in this space that you became one of the most important people in my life.

Now comes the easiest part, me and you.

Okay, let’s admit it, the odds are against us. We have an expiration date that insists on approaching, but every month or week that passes, everything stays the same, everything stays good, even if our conversations get more serious. I once wrote about superficiality, precisely because the only mouth I kissed this year was yours. And I did not kiss you many times. It is about this constant race against time, where we share a connection that was defined from the start as something light, yet everything we share refuses to be that light.

I want you to be at ease, because at this stage what I truly want is to leave everything clean, in a place where we both end up well. I am going to leave a note for you, and regardless of how long or short my words are, it will be a kind of goodbye mixed with a thank you for being there.

I know, even if it does not seem like it, how hard it is for you to express certain feelings and thoughts, and that you do not feel the need to change that. I know you are comfortable with what we have, without a label, because labels scare you and make you vulnerable to getting hurt. But I would love to draw a line between your fears, which you might say are not fears but choices, and what I see, because I know you, maybe better than anyone.

People do not need to know this, but they also have no idea who you are. I have never met anyone capable of cultivating trust and affection in the most childlike way, the unexpected jokes that define you, or even that beautiful, sincere smile that requires a bit of skill to pull out. Someone who does everything out of her own will, not others. That feeling of being with someone who does not try to please anyone. That is magnetic. Your ability to listen and wait for the right moment to speak, never with an avalanche of words, always with precision. The silent beauty you carry but often choose not to show. The momentary eclipses you have when you are simply not paying attention. Your traumas, the episodes that marked you, the wrong people, the turbulent childhood, all things that, because they are yours, did not push me away. I think they pulled me straight into the chaos I found you in. But if you think about it, you know that deep down I did not want to let you go. I wanted to rescue you. And I think I already did.

Not because it was my job or responsibility, but because I know you tried, and I think you are succeeding.

I like you, and you are not indifferent to me. I miss your voice, even with your distracted nature, every day. And it hurts to know that I have to reach for you, otherwise you will never reach for me. But I like you, what am I supposed to do?

The truth is, unfortunately, I am much more foolish than the quality of this text might suggest. Why? Because I am completely devoted to you, and I am not even in love, but I know I could be one day, if you were not standing where you stand.

We are reaching the end, where this confession lands.

I imagined myself, or better, imagined us, lying in bed before you leave. I also imagined a crazy night out drinking. But as the core of it all, I imagined what we did not do yet, even though the desire is tempting every day. In the end, I would give you the note that is right here beside me. Of course, long after the act.

A note you will take with you, and it will always be part of what we built. Neither of us is afraid of the water, even if it is cold. I jumped, believing the cold would eventually fade, and you stayed, and still stay, waiting for the right moment. The water will not warm up if you take longer.

Before you go, you need to know that being with you may feel like walking around with a ticking bomb, but who does not enjoy a beautiful explosion once in a while. This is about you, and about knowing that from check in to check out, almost two thousand kilometers away, your place is irreplaceable.

By not searching for perfection or for anyone at all, life gave you to me in the purest form of imperfection, with edges I was never afraid to smooth out. Yes, I have no problem knowing things I do not like, but if you want to be loved every day as a whole, without promises of marriage, but with vows of honesty and the dream of your body, one day at a time, I would say yes.

Before you go, you need to know that the art of this is not in attachment, but in not denying the feeling.

Before you go, these are the words that will last through this season, and the note will last even longer.

And with this, we officially close the Relationships Blog.