My Dilemma

Well, do you think you are in a bad place. If you are talking about love, then I want you to step onto this train that only passes once. The Z train, a reference to this new generation, even though at this point I am not even sure if there is already another one.

Let’s talk about the author’s dilemma, my dilemma at a semi pseudo romantic level. We will talk about love, about what I feel for this person, and above all about what actually matters, honesty.

Giving her a codename will make this much more interesting and I would love for you to know her so the name could be something truly original. For now, let’s go with Chloe so I don’t forget.

Now imagine this, put yourself in my position. You are at a stage in life where you simply do not see yourself entering a relationship, yet there is someone with whom you are able to share unique moments of friendship and intimacy. A dangerous game between two people who technically have nothing and place no emotional weight on it, yet somehow things between both keep getting better.

Alright, one more deep breath, this time I will give you the full story.

Chloe is simply not my type. Short and raw, she is not what I would usually go for, but in this game of being present in each other’s lives and sharing only what we decide to share, my type today does not carry the same weight it once did, because she fills that space. Today she does, and that is completely crazy to me.

She is a real person, someone who lives, and at the very least always gives me what I give her. Even though, as a man, sometimes I try to reach her a bit more, maybe that instinct of chasing still exists in me, but chasing who, if there is no relationship.

We were not supposed to be this good together. Beyond the things that are part of human nature and the overly elaborate French kisses we exchange from time to time, she matters. Chloe makes me smile, whether I want it or not, she pulls out genuine laughter from me, the kind only my closest friends ever managed to.

She became familiar. That was not supposed to happen.

We fed something that, up to a certain point, was superficial for both of us, but the moment we decided to keep feeding it, we built something that from the outside today feels like something big.

Whenever I am doing something and I am enjoying the moment, Chloe became the person I would instantly share that joy with.

Everything feels light, even funny, not overly personal, yet there is no name for what we are.

I had a strong emotional hit when I reminded myself that we are both free to meet other people, especially when she was talking to someone else and I clearly understood the intentions behind it. It killed a part of the idea I had built about her, but I cannot be unfair to the point of judging someone for using what we call free will, or simply freedom, something she values deeply.

And to be honest Chloe, I always wanted to give you that freedom, always. Especially in the moments where I felt you distant, in a way where it was clear that distance was what you needed to breathe.

Today it is different. After everything and all the moments we shared, moments as friends or occasional lovers, I had to talk to you. The problem is that the call lasted too long and I feel like I forgot why I wanted to stop what we have.

That cursed ability I have to become a hypocrite every time it feels like we are heading towards something I cannot name, but something I want us to reach together. If that something is a place, no matter how unknown, I think we should go there.

I am not talking about a relationship. I believe good things happen when we allow them to happen, and I do not see myself doing what I do with you with anyone else, because I simply do not. I have no interest. Even though I still see beautiful women every day, even though the world does not stop presenting options, my position of not looking for anyone is real.

I focused a long time ago on controlling what is controllable and on valuing what I already have.

And I have you.

Chloe, that conversation we had, now extended into this article, where you praised me a little more than usual, and I appreciate it, made me believe that what we have is truly unique in both our lives. Even knowing that three days ago you could have been with someone else if not for a last minute situation. Reality matters.

I wanted to stop because I am afraid of becoming superficial, of sharing moments with you that I consider special, that feel natural because they are with you, and then at the end of the week entertaining other women.

I just wanted certainty.

We do not know what this is, neither of us, but we have something, and I wanted you to be the only person I share these moments with, and the same in return, while keeping our lives exactly as they are.

Because I am not chasing anyone, and if I gave attention to others while doing with them what I genuinely enjoy doing with you, what would that make me.

I am not afraid of having you as someone where every moment ends with smiles and no expectations. I am afraid of continuing to care about you, the full version of you, while you are opening yourself to others at the same time.

That is why, without answers from you, I thought about stopping. A rational decision that goes against everything I feel.

Why would I not choose you. Ignoring external judgment, which means nothing to me, what is the real reason not to embrace this phase of life, where I cannot promise anything in terms of a relationship, yet I have someone by my side who does not ask for it either.

Someone I have chemistry with, someone who beyond the kisses and the tension is my friend.

That is what this is about. Wanting to know if it is worth caring more than I maybe should, wanting to see you even when I could be with my friends, because you are also my friend.

That overwhelming feeling of wanting to introduce you to my circle, but not wanting to reduce your value to something shallow like a sneaky link, completely disrupts my clarity.

And I told you, Chloe, if I genuinely like you, then I should preserve you whenever possible. I want you, but what are we doing.

You do not know, I do not know, but from now on something has to change. Either we end this bond that I do not want to break, but would rather end than face bigger disappointments than the small ones I already felt, or we embrace the reality in front of us, two single people who like each other and are good for each other.

Nothing more than that. The names would come later. It would be something between us, just us.

Everything else would be noise.

My dilemma is understanding our ending, Chloe, because we are either reaching the end of a season or the end of the entire story.

And after this short article, you will have to do something about what I just said will be our near future.

I adore you, ice head.